12.04.2008

its hard to say no

Johanna wasn't sure why she felt so lost at the moment. She didn't think it was about Anthony. No, it wasn't about that, was it?

Thanksgiving had been rather slow and quaint and just the two of them. Jonah had given them space. So they'd had time. Time just for each other. She and Drex. They had moved into the great room, his mother room that Johanna still knew as her own.

Its just she'd heard laughter in the apartment a few days ago and it was gone now. Jonah had been with someone and now he wasn't. And she knew it wasn't Lux.

"Did he break up with her?" Johanna felt it odd to ask Drex who'd been so steady with his art lately. She wondered if he knew anything other than what came from his fingertips on the canvass.

"Beats me, I really can't say," was about all she got out of him. So she'd left Drex to his art. She snuck a peak at Drex's sketchbook hoping to find herself, but she didn't. Just sketches of Leon which left her speechless, she wasn't sure how she really thought about them.

Yes, she knew Drex had been with Leon, but she hadn't spoke of it. It had been a mute subject. Yet it hadn't been a threat of trust for her until now when she saw the drawings of Leon. Suddenly, she missed Anthony. And it was a heaviness in her chest that seemed to shatter into her being that she'd done the unthinkable.

Anthony would have done anything for her, and this was how she'd repaid him. But she couldn't quite explain to Drex how she thought she was a miserable human being and by the looks of the sketches she knew Drex had loved Leon, and somehow she knew she'd ruined that too.

She felt like disappearing then. She shouldn't be here. Maybe it was she who needed to go back in time...stuck on a page somewhere in a book in her own little world, bleak as it had become because somehow she was sure of it now. She didn't deserve freedom.

Johanna gathered her things.

"What are you doing?" Drex finally looked up from his painting.

"I should just go." Johanna nodded wondering where she could find refuge. Perhaps a church, but they wouldn't even take her if they knew how she'd thrown everything good away in her life.

"No, you can't," Drex got up and went to her side and took her hand. "If you go, I have to go too. I can't let you just leave. Not now."

Johanna touched his cheek. She loved his smile. His way of always making things better...as if anything could be possible.

"I dunno what to do," she finally confessed.

"We'll figure it out," Drex pushed his fingers through her blond hair. His hand then rested on her neck as he watched her. His warmth like a summer's day pulled her in, and they kissed as if this was the only answer she needed which spilled into little kisses that grew. She new she was terribly unhappy, but it was so hard to know when Dress' arms were around her. It felt like a slow dance as she fell into each step he showed her with just one more kiss.

6 comments:

holly said...

thanks for the comment!
ahaha i love the 'snuggle' part
i'm going in january for two weeks so excited (:

♥Mademoiselle♥ said...

this title so speaks to me
sometimes it is hard for me to say no XD
Anyways i am glad i made you want to dance ;)

Cait said...

oh johanna..you know where you belong.

ellie said...

I wonder if she can completely trust Drex.

Cate said...

Johanna... Serves her right to have doubts about having left Anthony. Drex is really so nice. It just occurred to me that it would be so romantic if Drex made just one sketch of Johanna and then she'd disappear back into the Victorian age... Just a notion, nothing. Don't mind me ;-)

autumn said...

i only want to grin. i mean, smile. ^_^ lol.