2.01.2009

hopeless

Johanna had not spoke of it to anyone.

She hugged herself now as she sat in the floor of the bathroom. She didn't want to believe it true, but she was having Anthony's child. Perhaps that was why of all the moodiness, accusations, even the lust she felt for Drex. Was that the way it was? She'd had none of this morning sickness until now. It was as if she'd been giddy and free until now. It was as if she'd longed for something so possible. And now Anthony was leaving.

What if he didn't come back? It was if all she had left of him was growing inside her and now she felt worse than she ever thought possible.

Johanna shivered of the possibility that he was gone for good into another world. Why had she been so mad with him? She was sure of it now, pregnancy could make you go mad. Completely.

Funny, how Drex hadn't noticed. She'd wanted him all the more. It was as if sex was a good thing. Something to take her troubles away with him. She really hadn't felt tied down at all. Not with Drex.

With Anthony, it felt so..so dull. It just couldn't work. It felt so mundane. It was as if he was not of this world and never would be and..and still..it had happened.

She winced. Uncomfortable. Cold. Maybe even heartless.

She should have told him, but she didn't. She couldn't. It wasn't something she was ready to share quite yet. It had to wait. She wanted to be sure it existed. First.

Johanna had taken at least a dozen pregnancy test. Making sure to dispose of them properly so as no one would know. Especially, Drex. She'd wait it out. Tell him it was his. Why wouldn't it be?

But she knew it wasn't. It was coming up close to the first trimester. It was really happening, wasn't it?

What a fool she'd been. Not to say anything. Her teeth started to chatter. She felt so cold. It couldn't end. Could it?

3 comments:

Cate said...

Oh NO! I really wouldn't have expected that...
I think she ought to have told him... Or maybe not? AH, I dunno. No, I think she ought to have told him.

Sydney said...

just imaging her in this 'state' makes me sad...

blue hearts said...

this wasn't what I was expecting.....hmmmm..interesting. For sure.